Malaka (Malaysia)

 

Malacca: 

Malacca (or Melaka, if you’re talking like a local) lands on a ton of itineraries because it’s a totally logical land stop on the way through Peninsular Malaysia up to Kuala Lumpur.  It’s a quaint little town with a relaxed vibe and a murky, Black Muddy River slicing right through the center of the action.

The town is perfectly split by the water: Dutch-era colonial buildings dominate one bank, and Chinatown holds down the other.  We elected to stay on the Chinatown side, packed with funky, historic old streets that are nice to stroll around.  The whole area scored a UNESCO World Heritage designation back in 2008, alongside Georgetown in Penang, which Barbie and I are hitting next month.

The best part about Malacca?  The entire tourist zone is highly compact.  You can easily explore almost every major sight on foot without breaking a sweat—well, regular Southeast Asian sweat, anyway.

The Great Malacca Rice Ball Hunt

Malaysia has a ridiculous amount of world-class food on tap, and just like in Singapore, eating is the undisputed number-one sport in this country.  But here is the beautiful part: the food in Malacca is so damn cheap.  It is a incredibly welcome financial relief after surviving the exorbitant, wallet-draining food pricing in Singapore.  For an equivalent feast out here, you’re looking at a massive 60% to 75% discount.

Consequently, Barbie and I have been on an absolute mission to sample every single dish Malacca has on rotation.

The undisputed heavyweight culinary item here is Chicken Rice Balls.  It’s the signature dish of Malacca, and just about every local restaurant is in a fierce, cutthroat competition for bragging rights.  The ultimate goal of every kitchen serving these up is to roll the best-tasting balls in town.

Online reviews vary wildly on who actually owns the title, so we made it our personal mission to search out the best balls on the market and gorge on as many variations as humanly possible before we exploded.

After exhaustive research, I am officially awarding the Big Doug Rice Ball Crown to Ee Ji Ban Chicken Rice Balls.  The consistency was absolutely perfect, the sizing was just right, and I loved that the venue flies completely under the radar without the unwarranted tourist hype of its competitors.

The Melaka Street Food

When we weren’t hunting down elite chicken balls, we ran a thorough the rest of the local treats:

• Laksa: A rich, fiery noodle soup packed with a whole bunch of good-tasting stuff.

• Dosa: A classic South Indian pancake served up crisp with killer dipping sauces.

• Peranakan Cuisine: A Chinese-Malaysian flavor fusion.

• Ice Kachang: The Malaysian version of Hawaiian shaved ice. A quick tip: I get mine without the red beans and corn. Seriously, who the hell puts beans and corn in shaved ice? C’mon, man.

• Cendol: Another wildly popular, sweet Southeast Asian dessert to cool the system down.

• Durian “One Shot” Puffs: A famous dessert pastry you’re supposed to pop in your mouth in one shot. Our official review? It sucked… big time. Avoid.

The Big Kahuna of Street Markets

The absolute main event that draws massive crowds over the weekend is the Jonker Street Night Market.  They shut the entire strip down to traffic, and it turns into a sprawling arena where you can buy tons of spectacular street food and a whole bunch of assorted crap.

The entire length of the street gets completely packed with locals, tourists, food vendors, and street performers.  If you love to simply park yourself and people-watch while stuffing your face, this is one of the true Big Kahunas of street markets in Asia.

Cruising in Tacky Style

Another mandatory activity out here is riding the heavily pimped-out local rickshaws.  These things are hilarious—most of them are covered in neon decorations and come equipped with blasting stereo systems that pump music while the drivers pedal you around the UNESCO heritage sites.

Now, look, being the non-cultural guy that I am, I really didn’t want to submit to riding one of these incredibly tacky things.  I didn’t care much about the nine historical sites on the itinerary and, quite frankly, would have preferred it if the driver just took us to nine different chicken rice ball stands instead.

But it’s the thing to do out here, so we hunted down the most absurdly pimped-out rickshaw we could find and pulled the trigger on the deal.

At $10 bucks for a one-hour tour, it actually turned out to be a hilarious, highly entertaining way to see the town layout without having to sweat my ass off walking in the scorching Southeast Asian humidity.

🍽️ The Malacca Dining Log

When you find yourself in town, skip the tourist traps and keep these spots on your radar:

• Ee Ji Ban Rice Balls & Famosa Chicken Rice Balls: For your essential ball comparisons.

• Pak Putra Tandoori Restaurant: Succulent tandoori chicken and fresh naan.

• Calanthe Art Cafe, Geographers Cafe, Kocik Restaurant, Courtyard @ Heeron: All stellar options to cool down with a cold drink and soak in the old-town architecture.

LOOSE STOOLS INDEX

• Rating: 8 / 10

Things are looking incredibly up for Big Doug.  The natural binding properties of the heavy rice in those chicken balls have been a massive net positive for the internal plumbing.  Stools are solid, predictable, and traveling beautifully.

Thru the Binocs

It’s wild how much the human dynamic changes the second you cross an imaginary line on a map.

Walking around the streets and subways of Singapore, you would rarely get any eye contact from the locals.  The Singaporeans all just zipped around in a highly professional, focused manner.  They seemed all business, minded their own business, and had zero desire to engage with random Westerners.

But the absolute second we crossed the border checkpoint into Malaysia, that corporate coldness completely vanished.  Smiling faces, open conversations, and genuine curiosity just started raining down on us everywhere we walked.  Observing how the locals in each distinct country interact with each other and with travelers is easily one of my favorite parts of this lifestyle.

I’ve also been pointing the lenses at the massive influx of mainland Chinese tourists out here, many of whom appear very Westernized in their style and dress.  Back in Singapore, it was tough at first glance to differentiate between the holiday tourists from China and the local Chinese Singaporeans (who make up about 75% of Singapore’s population).

But when you look through the glass a little closer and observe their demeanor, the difference is night and day.  The Chinese locals in Singapore behave in a highly refined, laid-back manner, whereas the visiting mainland tourists often appear a bit rough around the edges and frantic.

So there you have it—some unfiltered observations from the road, for what it’s worth.

We thoroughly enjoyed our time in Malacca.  It is a great place to inhale a shitload of chicken rice balls, process them like a champ, and hop a luxury bus to Kuala Lumpur for the next major eating marathon.