Singapore Return

Singapore Return: 

I had a bad feeling something was seriously amiss when I noticed Barbette surfing the internet with a strange, frantic sort of excitement.

Finally, she fessed up and dropped the bomb: she met another man on the internet.  The evidence was all there, clear as day, buried in the computer cookies, cache, browsing history, and assorted other internet tracking shit.  After 18 years together, Big Doug’s time was apparently up.  I really never thought it would happen. Barbie had fallen head over heels for this guy and was actively contemplating dumping me for him.

But once I finally met the dude face-to-face, I totally got it.  Honestly, I fell for him too.

His name is Hector (aka Heckto), a four-legged close associate of our friend Marta.  Hector needed to be looked after while his owner went overseas, and we happily volunteered our services.  Hector is such a good dude and was an absolute pleasure to hang out with.  We’re really going to miss the little guy, but hopefully, our paths will cross again down the road.

Moving Into the Singapore Suburbs

We just wrapped up another two weeks in Singapore, bringing our total stay here to a full month. This included our just-completed two-week house and dog-sitting gig for Hector.

We originally cut our time in Malaysia short to rush back here for this assignment, but now we are headed back across the border to finish our Malaysian journey.  The best part?  We have the good fortune of being joined by our main man—and one of the most pathetic sports handicappers on the face of this planet—Eric Stein.  We’re spending the first few days eating our way through Penang with E. Stein, which is universally known as the foodie capital of Southeast Asia.

Because of this house sit, we spent our final two weeks living well outside the shiny downtown city center. It gave us a phenomenal taste of what it’s actually like to experience Singapore as a local.

Singaporeans are incredibly reserved, polite, and they all behave exactly like normal human beings should.  In a whole month here, I never once witnessed anyone raise their voice or shout in public. They display almost zero emotion on the streets.  They would make absolutely killer poker players.

Barbie and I were quite literally the only Westerners in many of the local neighborhoods we visited, which really blew my mind.  I expected to see a great deal more Westerners on the subways and neighborhood streets.  As it turns out, they all migrate to Orchard Road—the massive shopping mecca of the island—and rarely leave it.

Singapore Observations

Another thing I found fascinating is that the locals rarely make eye contact.  This is completely different from our experiences in Indonesia, Thailand, Malaysia, and Cambodia, where the locals are incredibly curious and staring at us was a daily occurrence.

Also, there are absolutely no touts here.  You will never get hounded, hassled, or chased down the street by vendors like in other Asian countries.  Singaporeans simply mind their own business and go about their lives without disturbing anyone else.  You know that old expression, “Don’t speak unless you are spoken to”?  Every single person in this country lives by it.

But what’s truly cool about Singapore is seeing people from so many different corners of the globe eating, shopping, and living in complete harmony.  It is a massive melting pot of Chinese, Malay, and Indian populations, giving the whole place a fun, exotic, multicultural mishmash.  We were constantly surrounded by a beautiful diversity of faces, languages, styles of dress, and food.

The High-Rise Experiment

The Singapore government deeply looks out for its citizens.  The vast majority of the population lives in government-sponsored housing (HDBs), which are heavily subsidized as long as you are out there working and actively contributing to society.  These aren’t run-down projects; they are really nice, modern complexes spread across the entire city-state.

You see thousands of these high-rise condos everywhere.  A local told me that when Singaporeans apply for housing, the government housing kingpins deliberately mix various races on each floor of the high-rise to force racial integration and assimilation.

I would pay cold, hard cash to see this exact experiment attempted in the New York Metro area’s government-assisted housing shitholes.  What do you think would happen if you put the Warriors, the Van Cortland Rangers, the Turnbull AC’s, the Orphans, and the Gramercy Riffs all under one roof? Total chaos.

Big Brother is Watching (And Thank God For It)

A lot of travelers complain that Singapore is too sterile, has too many rules, is boring, and suffers from way too much government intervention.  Look, the government absolutely has a domineering presence, and Big Brother is clearly watching your every move.  But they provide an organized, structured path with sensible policies that actually enable their citizens to succeed.

Personally, I think “Big Brother” needs to keep watch.  Someone has to make decisions for us cretins because it’s been proven time and time again that the majority of human beings are basically idiots who don’t know how to act in public.

Some critics describe Singapore as “Disneyland with the death penalty.”  I say that is a bunch of total malarkey.  Without getting overly political, I would choose this sort of clean, controlled living any day of the week over the rampant chaos, crime, filth, and poverty that is currently rotting out so many major U.S. cities.

In Singapore, you don’t have to worry about getting shot up in a movie theater or a shopping mall. There is no violent crime, no visible homelessness, and their entire infrastructure is light-years ahead of America.  Throughout our stay, I kept asking myself why my own country can’t get its shit together.

Spotless Subways

Singapore is the absolute epitome of a Utopia.  The entire country is spotlessly clean.  You could quite literally eat your lunch off the floor of their MRT subway system.  Not only are the trains immaculate, but they have killer, atomic-level A/C running in them.  No sweating your balls off on these subways.

Even the physical cash is spotless.  Every single paper bill I handled was crisp, right off the presses, without a single stray pen mark on it.  The coins are all so incredibly shiny that I seriously started to think it’s someone’s full-time night job to polish all the coins in circulation.

⚠️ The Single Flaw in the System

My only major beef with Singapore as a country is that the restaurants inexplicably do not give you napkins with your meal. None.

Now, how is a grown man supposed to wipe his hands and face during a messy meal?  I constantly saw locals whipping out little packs of tissues from their pockets while dining.  Since Singapore has brilliant logic behind every single policy, I assume their thinking is that paper napkins lead to massive garbage waste and litter, so they just eliminated them.

Think about it: in the U.S., customers at fast-food joints grab a massive, ridiculous stack of napkins, use two, and throw the rest in the trash.  Lesson learned—next time you come to Singapore, pack your own napkins.  They are a precious commodity here.

Other than the napkin beef, Singapore simply works.  It is a beautiful, pleasant place to live without having to deal with the absolute wackos that exist back in the States.  Just one piece of advice if you plan to visit: bring mucho cash.  The cost of living here is  no joke.

LOOSE STOOLS INDEX

• Rating: 3 / 10 (Critical Condition)

E. Stein is currently struggling big time.  He stubbornly insists he is “just fine” and expects to fully rebound as we embark on our journey into Malaysia, but the analytics say otherwise.

The Big Doug Index

• Rating: 9 / 10 (Lock and Loaded)

An absolute pristine performance. I am entering Penang—the undisputed street food capital of Malaysia—with super solid stools, guns loaded, and plans on taking some massive culinary risks.  I would wager good money right now that there is absolutely no way E. Stein’s bowels survive the impending food-athon.