Amsterdam (Netherlands)

Amsterdam:

Here is a bold statement to kick things off: Amsterdam easily ranks as one of the coolest cities in the world.  And let me tell you, that says a hell of a lot coming from a couple of seasoned flashpackers.  .

So, what is there to do in this town besides wander the beautiful, twisting canals completely baked, gorge on world-class cheese, look at windmills, and check out the ladies of the night—who, as it turns out, are also mid-afternoon ladies—displayed like live mannequins inside roadside windows for short-time sale?

For the more mainstream, well-rounded tourists, there is a massive circuit of world-class museums. Barbie and I mostly passed on those, but we did hit the absolute must-see Anne Frank House.  It happened to be sitting right down the block from the spectacular Airbnb condo we rented in the Jordaan neighborhood.

The Jordaan Neighborhood Basecamp

In my professional travel opinion, the Jordaan district is hands-down the single best area to base yourself in Amsterdam.  There are plenty of cool canal loops to choose from, but whatever you do, completely avoid the congested, hyper-commercialized traps around Dam Square, Central Station, and the main Red Light district.

Another awesome daytime retreat we quickly discovered is Amsterdam’s abundance of massive, lush green parks.  The locals flock to these spaces on a sunny day, and we did too.  The Dutch essentially use these parks as their own personal beaches—complete with gorgeous local girls laying out in their bikinis.  Our absolute favorite spots to plant ourselves and watch the world go by were Vondelpark, Westerpark, Sarphatipark, Oosterpark, and Museumplein.

We got incredibly lucky during our two-week stay.  The weather hovered at a beautiful 80 to 85 degrees with nothing but bright sunshine.  The locals we talked to told us this was a total aberration and practically unheard of for this time of year.  We gladly took it, because navigating these canals would definitely lose some charm during the normal rainy, cold, and windy winter months.

Rent a Bike & Explore

Bar none, the absolute best activity in this city is simply throwing your leg over a bicycle and cruising around, soaking up the vibrant action at every single turn.  We rented bikes for the entirety of our two-week stay and used them for everything—riding to all our meals, navigating to the parks, and hitting every point of interest.

We didn’t spend a single euro on taxis.  It’s an incredibly pleasurable, healthy way to travel, and we easily logged close to 20 miles every single day.  The bikes allowed us to effortlessly break out of the city center and explore the quiet outer neighborhoods where you can see how the Dutch actually live.

The moment we arrived, the first thing that smacked us in the face was how unbelievably healthy everyone looks.  Barbie spent half the trip wondering why the local men and women are so damn picture-perfect.  They genuinely look like a society of Nordic models.

While we were biking around, I’d glance over at Barbie and her jaw would literally be dropped in absolute awe as these beautiful people zipped right past her on their pedal bikes.  Barbie kept commenting, “Doug, there are so many beautiful men here and they all look like living Ken dolls. American women would absolutely die for these guys.  They are clean, their skin looks fantastic, and even the older guys have full heads of hair and are in peak shape.”

The men also seem to have absolutely zero desire to ever leave this city, which presents a major logistical problem for any American woman trying to hunt down a perfect Nordic husband.  As Barbie pointed out: “They all speak Dutch, a language that nobody else on earth cares to learn. So nobody actually knows what they’re saying… but with the way they look, honestly, nobody cares.”

Neil Young completely nailed Barbie’s train of thought in his track Cortez the Killer:

“And the women all were beautiful And the men stood straight and strong”

The secret to all this health isn’t rocket science: it’s the bicycle.  From the moment they can walk, every kid learns to ride.  You routinely see elderly folks well into their 60s and 70s zipping along the canals.  That lifelong cardio routine keeps the whole population lean and fit.  Barbie joked that the whole city looks like a high-budget Ralph Lauren commercial—complete with gorgeous parents cycling down the street with their beautiful little kids and golden puppy sitting right in the front wooden basket.

Everything in the Amsterdam city center feels incredibly organized.  The infrastructure is a marvel, featuring completely protected bike lanes on every single street.  The reason it works seamlessly is simple: bikes have the ultimate right of way over cars.

The biggest initial obstacle for us was getting a handle on the complex canal grid, where side streets jet off at weird angles and names change every couple of blocks.  It certainly didn’t help that I was navigating while stoned, staring up at street signs featuring 30-letter words consisting almost entirely of vowels.  But I’m proud to report that we mastered the navigation matrix after a few days and are now certified Amsterdam pros.

The central sidewalks are constantly packed with tourists, many of whom are walking around completely stoned out of their minds.  Because the footpaths get tight, these oblivious tourists are constantly tempted to step off the curb straight into the designated bike lanes.  It’s a recipe for disaster, and I was genuinely amazed I didn’t witness a single high-speed collision during our two weeks on the wheels.

Yes, we did it.  Barbie and I walked into a live sex show in the heart of the Red Light District at an aptly named establishment called the Sex Palace.  And let me tell you, it was a financial marvel.

What exactly do you get for a two-euro coin?  Those two euros buy you exactly two minutes of viewing time inside one of eight tiny, private booths that encircle a couple on a mattress in the center of the room, alongside a bunch of other complete degenerates.

The second your 130 seconds are up, a heavy metal curtain comes crashing down like a literal guillotine.  At that point, you have to make a high-stakes executive decision on whether to drop another two euros into the slot for round two.  One euro per minute felt like a solid, fair-market value for the entertainment.  However, two minutes was more than enough for us flashpackers.  We got our view, pocketed our change, and carefully exited the building without touching a single door handle or wall on the way out.

Windmills, Miniature Cities, and Legal Ganja

There is plenty of culture to absorb outside the immediate coffeeshop loop.  We took a great day trip out to Zaanse Schans, which is world-renowned for its historic windmills, traditional clog-making workshops, and interactive cheese tastings.

Our second day trip was a quick train ride out to the city of Haarlem.  If you visit Amsterdam, I highly recommend lining up a Saturday trip to Haarlem to catch their famous market day.  It is essentially a beautifully miniaturized, pristine version of Amsterdam but completely stripped of the frantic tourist pace.  If you’re a beach lover, you can actually grab a bike in Haarlem and pedal 25 minutes straight out to the sands of Zandvoort & Bloemendaal Beach.

Right now, there are about 180 licensed coffeeshops operating in Amsterdam, selling quality green to anyone over the age of 18.  Interestingly, these shops almost exclusively cater to foreign tourists; locals told us the Dutch themselves don’t actually smoke that much weed.

The entire Dutch drug policy is centered on a beautiful, common-sense philosophy: adults should be trusted to make their own decisions about what they put into their bodies, provided they act responsibly and don’t harm anyone else.  They treat cannabis exactly the way the US treats alcohol and tobacco.  Because the taboo of smoking weed is completely gone, the Netherlands actually boasts one of the lowest domestic marijuana consumption rates in the world among its own citizens.

It is a night-and-day contrast to Southeast Asia, where getting caught with a single joint can result in a catastrophic prison sentence or a literal shotgun to the head.  In Amsterdam, nobody gives a damn if you’re getting baked along the water or in a park.  The smell of premium ganja gently permeates the air, and I’ll never forget zipping around the cobblestones on our bikes with that pungent, sweet aroma hitting our noses every time we passed a local storefront.  It’s a completely relaxed way of life that just makes you smile.

We conducted extensive field research across a wide variety of local establishments.  Our roster of favorites included Sibérié, Kadinsky, Katsu, Green House Centrum, Dampkring, Barney’s, and Abraxas.  But the absolute king of scale was a massive three-story coffeeshop called Prix d’Ami.

The wild layout inside Prix d’Ami instantly transported me back to the legendary Danceteria nightclub in New York City back in the 1980s—the exact spot where Madonna first got her big break.  Danceteria featured three floors of complete, unadulterated nightlife wackiness, with each level boasting its own distinct musical theme.

Unlike Danceteria, there is absolutely no dancing inside Prix d’Ami.  It is just three consecutive levels of completely immobilized stoners.  Each floor looks like a massive fraternity house living room, packed out with ultra-plush couches spread around massive flat-screen TVs.  On the top deck, they were screening 3D movies to a completely baked crowd sprawled out across the cushions like they owned the place.  We even saw a couple in their late 60s fully partaking in the environment.  It is the ultimate “Spicoli” joint—if you have absolutely nothing to do, this is the premier venue to do nothing in, if you can overlook a tad of seediness.

The Amsterdam Culinary Blueprint

We ate like absolute kings during our two weeks.  Here is a log of the establishments we tracked down and highly recommend:

🍽️ The Sit-Down Circuit

• De Reiger & Cafe Sonneveld: Classic Dutch brown cafes with local atmosphere.

• Moeders: Traditional Dutch cooking served up exactly like mom used to make.

• Winkel 43: Home to the undisputed, heavyweight champion apple pie in the city.

• Thaise Snack Bar & Bird Restaurant: Thai food that rivaled our days in Bangkok.

• Foodhallen: Upscale indoor food market packed with gourmet stalls.

• Oriental City: Authentic Dim Sum.

• Pannenkoekenhuis Upstairs: A tiny, historic room serving massive traditional Dutch pancakes.

• Koh-I-Noor: Indian curries.

• Cafe Bij Ons, Amigo Argentine, De Vier Pilaren, Rainarai: Great spot-rotation for evening dining.

🍟 The French Fry Standouts

• Manneken Pis & Vlaams Friteshuis Vleminckx: thick-cut fries slathered in local mayo.

🧀 Delis & Market Stops

• JWO Lekkerijen & Sterk Staaltje Deli: gourmet sandwich shops.

• De Kaaskamer & Kaashuis Tromp: Massive cheese walls where you can sample the best gouda on earth.

• Chris Kip (Albert Cuyp Market):  hot roasted chicken right on the market strip.

• Frens Haringhandel: local raw herring served up traditional style with pickles and onions.

• Chocolaterie Pompadour: pastries for the sugar fix.

We were genuinely sad to pack up our bags after our two-week lease concluded.  Choosing a local condo via Airbnb instead of a sterile hotel room was the ultimate play, allowing us to truly live among the locals.

I’m a bit bummed we didn’t manage to make it down to Rotterdam on this leg, as I’ve heard it’s a spectacular university city that rivals Amsterdam’s energy.  But honestly, we just got so completely caught up in the daily action here that we stayed totally put.  Barbie and I are generally not big-city people, but Amsterdam is one of the few global metropolises we could easily see ourselves living in long-term.  Next time we drop into the Netherlands, we’ll set up shop in Rotterdam.

Thru the Binocs

If you are a hardcore NFL football or horse racing enthusiast, basing yourself in Amsterdam during the autumn months is an absolute logistical dream.  The major American football games and races kick off around 7:00 PM local European time.  That means you have the entire daylight portion of the day to explore the canals, bike the parks, and eat lunch, followed by a full night of premium sports action right from your couch.

The other major structural thing I noticed through the glass is that the Netherlands is rapidly becoming a completely cashless society.  A massive percentage of the local stores, trendy cafes, and restaurants out here flat-out refuse to accept paper cash as a valid form of payment.  It’s 100% credit and debit transactions, which simplifies daily life beautifully.