Phuket (Thailand)

Phuket:

Navigating Southern Thailand’s Island Scene

With about two weeks left on our Thai visas, it was high time to plant our beach-loving butts on some islands in Southern Thailand.  Thailand has some of the best tropical beaches in Southeast Asia.   The problem is that the majority of travelers confine themselves to a select few hyper-popular spots on the Andaman Sea and the Gulf of Thailand.  There is a shitload of islands to choose from, with Phuket being the largest and by far the most touristy.  But if you do your homework and want to escape the flock of package tourists, there are plenty of relaxed, alternative islands out there.

We flew into Phuket for a brief stay, primarily because it serves as the ultimate jumping-off point to the more secluded outlying southern islands.

Phuket and the surrounding areas were hit the hardest by the 2004 Indian Ocean Tsunami, but today, almost no evidence of that destruction remains.  Instead, what you have is a massive island where different beaches offer completely distinct vibes.

The Phuket Beach Breakdown

To beach-hop correctly here, you have to rent a scooter and check out a different spot every day.
Word of Warning: As fun as a scooter is to navigate around, renting one is quite risky nowadays ever since Phuket has become fully developed.

Here is how our scouting went down:

Patong Beach

Patong is renowned as one of the party capitals of Asia, and boy, does it live up to its bad-boy reputation.  It is a single man’s playground designed to fulfill every possible fantasy: booze, beach, hookers, outdoor beer bars, ladyboys, massive discos, and soapy massage parlors.  The sheer scale of development since my first visit about 25 years ago is simply unreal.  It went from a cool, low-key party beach to a supercharged, chaotic zoo.  My mind is still spinning from our brief visit.  It’s fun to take in the madness on Bangla Road and check it out for a night, but we chose to base ourselves further south.

Kata & Kata Noi

We ended up staying near Kata Beach.  Kata was nice enough, but it felt a bit worn around the edges.  Because of that, we skipped chilling on the main stretch and opted to spend a day hanging out at Kata Noi Beach instead.  It’s a much smaller, way more picturesque cove that gives off a vintage Thai beach vibe.

Karon Beach

We also spent a full day on the long, sweeping sands of Karon Beach.  This place has always been a personal favorite of mine ever since my initial visit back in 1991.  It’s just ok now as the Karon area has gotten a bit rundown.  This beach area along with Patong and Kata need a big facelift but I doubt very much any future improvements to the infrastructure will be made.  Typical of Southeast Asian beaches.

My Favorite Beaches:

Surin Beach and Nai Harn Beach took the crown for us.  While we didn’t stay in the northwest section of the island, we visited Banana Beach and Nai Thon Beach.  Both are relaxing havens situated a blissful distance away from the madness of Patong and Kata/Karon.

Why Koh Phi Phi Has Turned to Shit

The popular backpacker party island of Koh Phi Phi is just a short boat ride from Phuket.  This is where they filmed The Beach, starring Leonardo de Crap-io.  To be exact, it was filmed at Maya Beach just off Phi Phi proper, and tourists still flock there by the boatload, completely spoiling what is admittedly a beautiful spot.

When I was here 25 years ago, Koh Phi Phi was an absolute tropical paradise.  Today, I can officially report it has turned to shit, entirely overrun by hard-partying, vomiting backpackers.  The way they rebuilt the island after it was basically leveled by the tsunami is a real disgrace.  It could have been a magical, well-planned recovery.  Instead, they threw it back together way too quickly without any real planning, completely fucking up the place up.

That said, if you leave the nightmare of Ton Sai Bay—which is saturated with ultra-young backpackers—and head to the quieter eastern end of the island, it still retains its original serenity and beauty.

Andaman Sea Island Hit List

If you’re planning a trip to the Andaman Sea and want to avoid the mega-crowds of Phuket and Koh Phi Phi, these are the islands you actually want to target:

• The Similan Islands

• Ko Yao Yai & Ko Yao Noi

• Ko Lanta & Railey Beach (Over in the Krabi province)

If you’re looking at the Gulf of Thailand on the eastern side, your main options are Ko Samui, Ko Pha Ngan, Ko Tao, Ko Kut, Ko Mak, and Ko Chang.  We don’t have the time to hit the Gulf islands on this leg because our 30 days are ticking down, but we will definitely be returning to check them out in a few months after we finish exploring Cambodia, Laos, Malaysia, and the Philippines.

The Smog Alert

If you’ve been following the news, you know that a nasty fire haze and smog have been engulfing parts of Southeast Asia—specifically Malaysia, Singapore, parts of Indonesia, and Southern Thailand.  Some days are worse than others depending on the wind, but generally, the air smells like smoke.

What’s causing this?  Every year around August and September, corrupt, greedy plantation owners on the nearby island of Sumatra, Indonesia, use highly illegal slash-and-burn methods to clear forest land for cultivation.  The fires regularly get out of control, the smoke blows right across the narrow Strait of Malacca, and it settles over peninsular Malaysia and Singapore.  Schools close, people with breathing issues suffer, and visibility drops to near zero.

We luckily managed to completely avoid this nastiness until we hit Phuket, where we got a small taste of the smoky haze.  I immediately started planning a quick exit strategy to Laos, but fortunately, the winds shifted and the air completely cleared the next day.  Whew.  Because of this mess, we are officially postponing our stops in Singapore and Malaysia until the air clears. Someone who just got back from Kuala Lumpur told me it’s so bad there that you want to hold your breath the second you step outside.

We were also hoping to time our Phuket visit with the colorful, 9-day Vegetarian Festival to witness the absolute madness firsthand.  The Chinese community believes that abstaining from meat during the ninth lunar month brings good health, which they celebrate with firewalking, body piercing, and extreme acts of self-mortification.  Participants literally puncture their cheeks with knives, skewers, and household items, believing the gods will protect them from scarring or bleeding.  It is definitely not for the faint of heart.  The timing didn’t line up for us, so we passed—and honestly, looking at the pictures from last year, I think our stomachs thank us.

Our time in Phuket is officially up. Off to the next Thai island.

Loose Stools Index: 8/10.
Still rolling along without a care in the world.

Thru the Binocs

When it comes to food, I can eat practically anything served to me in any country on earth—with the sole exception of peas and olives.  I despise them.  Because I can inhale absolutely anything else put in front of me, Barbie claims I eat like an animal.

Barbie, on the other hand, is super picky and constantly “over-the-top” stressed about sanitary conditions.  Since we eat out for every single meal, we desperately needed a compromise. I am happy to report that the Big Doug & Barbie Food Treaty has been officially signed.

The treaty utilizes a strict framework called GCCCF:

1. Good

2. Clean

3. Cheap

4. Casual

5. Fast

Think of it like a Pick 5 wager at the racetrack.  If a restaurant hits all five criteria, it’s an absolute slam dunk and we are both thrilled.  Just like at the track, hitting all five is rare, but hitting four is a winning ticket.

Because I’m a flexible guy, I’m willing to sacrifice a bit of Clean if the food is incredibly Good.  In those sketchy situations, Barbie plays it safe and gravitates to her ultimate trip staple: French fries. Barbie will never, ever bend on Clean, but she absolutely loves Cheap.  On the flip side, I will gladly take Fast over Cheap, but it is imperative that the food is Good.  Clear?

Now, who wants to place a bet on whose Loose Stools Index is going to plummet to a 1, 2, or 3 first? The Big Doug Blog is officially taking action.  Judging from 30 years of travel experience, it’s almost always the “safe, wimpy eater” who gets burned first.  We shall see who makes the first desperate dash to unleash.  I heavily like my odds.