Battambang (Cambodia)

Battambang:

Well, it’s hot as shit, but it is one cool, mellow Cambodian town.

To really take this place in, do yourself a favor: stay just outside of town and take the 15-to-20-minute bike ride through the rice fields and local villages.  Riding in from the Battambang Resort gives you the absolute best perspective.

Battambang is technically Cambodia’s second most populous city, but it comes with a unique, small-town charm.  It’s a tranquil, much-needed respite from the chaotic hustle of Phnom Penh and Siem Reap, offering travelers a real taste of laid-back rural life.  It gives you a perfect mix of modern convenience, small-town friendliness, and gorgeous French colonial architecture.  Honestly, this place has the potential to be as funky as Thailand’s Chiang Mai—just minus the suffocating hordes of tourists.

To sum it up: Battambang is not a place you go to see things; it’s a place where you simply be.

The Fish Amok Curse

In my last post, I was touting the amazing Cambodian national dish, Fish Amok.  Well, the Fish Amok gods have officially kicked my ass.  The “Loose Stools Index” finally plummeted to the lowest levels since we dropped out of society.  It’s a tragedy, really, because I had full intentions to pull the trigger on that Fish Amok soufflé many more times during our stay.  Now, I have to put that dream on ice, despite it staring me in the face from every single menu.

I jumped into quick action, though, and dipped into my prescription Lomotil for the first time on this trip.  Now I’m backed up like the Bronx River Parkway, so all is good.  Once this passes, you can bet I’m jumping right back onto the Fish Amok bandwagon.

Meanwhile, Battambang is where the mosquitoes are finally getting to Barbie.  They are biting her ass off.  For some strange reason, they aren’t touching me at all.  Naturally, this is somehow my fault.  Barbie is also suffering from dry skin.  No such issues for BFD—my skin is nice and moist.  My only current nemesis is the gut situation, and being the absolute mensch that I am, I am tackling it head-on without placing any blame.

Living the “Marigold Hotel” Life

We are staying at a really nice tropical resort outside of town.  The place honestly reminds me of the movie The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel.  It’s filled with a bunch of older expats and travelers from every country on earth except the United States, and watching them move about the property is pure entertainment.

The resort is a true green oasis and a great retreat from the busier center of town.  Most travelers only elect to stop over in Battambang for two or three days, but I took a gamble and pulled the trigger on a five-night stay.  It proved to be a fantastic decision.  There are plenty of relaxed, fun activities to keep you busy, or you can just choose to do nothing and hang by the pool.

Some of the highlights here involve jumping into a tuk-tuk for a tour of the nearby villages.  We got to see local life up close, watching the artisans craft everything from rice paper and fish paste to bamboo sticky rice.  On the darker side of history, we also visited the Khmer Rouge Killing Cave—a very sobering, sad experience.

But bike riding around those same villages was pure joy.  It was a real eye-opener witnessing how basic life can be for the locals, yet how genuinely pleasurable they seem to find it.  I’ll never forget the smiles, the friendliness, and the daily happiness that surrounded us.  It’s a remarkably cool, simple lifestyle without the modern-day pressures most people endure back home.  Seeing this is so important for putting things into perspective, and it’s exactly what makes this journey so valuable.

The other big ticket item in Battambang is riding the Bamboo Train.

Now, use the term “train” very loosely here.  It’s basically a large bamboo platform mounted on old train axles, powered by a small go-kart engine.  It is tough to put into words what a trip riding this thing is, but zipping through the rice fields on this honky-tonk contraption put massive smiles on our faces.

Circus Acts & Traditional Royalty (Almost)

We also caught a show at the Phare Ponleu Selpak Circus.  To be clear, this isn’t an animal circus; it’s a human acrobatics show.  The talent level is insane—many of the Cambodian performers who train here actually go on to join Cirque du Soleil shows around the world.  Barbie says the performance deserves a solid 5 stars.  I give it 4.5.

The other major highlight for Barbie was getting fully made up to look like a traditional Khmer dancer for an elaborate photoshoot.  I was originally scheduled to dress up as a Cambodian Prince, but it was just too fucking hot.  My big ass simply could not handle the heavy makeup and layers of royal outfits in the sweltering Southeast Asian heat.

The Verdict So Far

Up to this point, I’m ready to say that Cambodia might just be the new Thailand.  I’m going to hold off on the official proclamation until we visit the beaches and islands down south—us beach gurus have to check the surf first.  But I will take a firm stance on this right now:  Cambodian women are the best-looking in Asia.  Bye-bye Thais, you have officially been displaced as the top seed.

• LOOSE STOOLS INDEX: 1. My time is up… that Fish Amok soufflé is executing its revenge, and I am currently paying a high price.

Thru the Binocs

Taxi drivers—and basically anyone behind a wheel, including tuk-tuk drivers—in almost every city I have ever visited in my lifetime are usually total rip-off artists and notorious dirtbags.

Remarkably, that is just not the case in Cambodia.  I’m a pretty good judge of character, and I can confidently say that the drivers here are honest, genuine, and nice guys.  What a welcome relief.