South Island Circuit:
This is going to be the longest post I have ever written on the blog. We allocated five full weeks to cover the South Island of New Zealand, and you’re going to want to stick with it to get the full gist of just how mind-blowing this outdoor playground really is.
Driving around the South Island, the scenery instantly reminded me of a super-sized version of Tasmania. We rented a car and visited almost every major hotspot at a perfect relaxed pace. There is absolutely nothing that beats the total liberation of a long-term road trip—just waking up, checking the weather, and going wherever the wind blows you.
A lot of travelers who come down here opt for those small, self-contained motorhomes so they can sleep wherever they park. While that sounds like a great way to save on Airbnbs, once you factor in the steep daily rental rates and the exorbitant cost of gas to run these homes on wheels, the savings evaporate into thin air. Fuel out here was 40% pricier than our previous stop in Australia, sitting at a brutal $5.50 USD per gallon. No bullshit! Somewhere in the center of the island between Queenstown and Greymouth, we passed a remote gas station where the price boards for fuel read, respectively: ARM and LEG.
We’ve been on the road traveling the world for about 18 months now, and New Zealand is easily the least built-up, most untouched country we’ve set foot in. Barbie and I usually prefer tropical island climates, but New Zealand is so ridiculously beautiful that it’s impossible not to fall completely in love with the place. I am not exaggerating when I say it is hands-down the most gorgeous country I have ever seen. It makes total sense why they film all those epic medieval movies like Lord of the Rings here. Being constantly surrounded by raw nature reminds you how simple and quiet life can really be.
BFD’s Public Service Announcement
A quick word of warning from Big Doug: a road trip through New Zealand should absolutely not be the first road trip you ever take in your life. Why? Because it will spoil you rotten for the rest of your travel days. Having driven through pretty much the entirety of the South Island, it offers so much cinematic drama that any future road trip you take anywhere else on earth will just leave you feeling disappointed. I hate being overly positive and sounding like a total bullshit artist, but writing about this place is tricky. Every single destination we hit either lived up to the massive hype or completely surpassed it.
So, what’s the actual downside to New Zealand?
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The Sandflies: These little bastards are annoying as shit. I call them “No-See-Ums” because you literally can’t see them until they’re already drilling into your skin, looking for a taste of Big Doug’s sweet, premium blood. We had to douse ourselves in heavy DEET spray just to ward off the pesty little insects. And when you do get bitten, the welts itch like shit and stay on your body for days. We got some Deet spray and that helped (Charlie) ward off some of these pesty little bastards.
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The Restaurant Scene: Outside of a few exceptions, the local restaurant food is a big fat zippo. It’s mostly overpriced and generally sucks.
Thankfully, we didn’t feel like we were missing out on a damn thing. The supermarkets out here carry the absolute freshest, highest-quality local beef and lamb at incredibly good prices. Since the restaurants were a bust, Flashpacking Barbie—who happens to be an absolute ace chef—filled BFD’s belly by whipping up gourmet lamb and beef dishes almost every single night.
While hiking the Kepler Track, we chatted with some locals who told us they buy an entire whole lamb directly from a local farm for only $125 USD and just have their neighborhood butcher cut it up. I thought to myself, “Wow, $125 for a whole lamb? Not a bad deal considering a high-end hooker could easily cost five times that amount of a lamb.” So, you can get the rack of a lamb, the leg of a lamb, and all the premium trimmings cheaper than getting just a little bit of ass. That’s just basic flashpacker math.
The Cleanliness Verdict
I’ve talked with a lot of fellow travelers along the way, and the general consensus is that only one other place on earth can even compete with New Zealand in pure, raw natural beauty: Iceland. I haven’t been to Iceland just yet, but it’s officially on the BFD radar for a future trip to see if it actually holds a candle to this place.
One thing I absolutely love about New Zealanders (aka Kiwis) is how genuinely appreciative and fiercely protective they are of their land. The entire country is spotlessly clean—no litter, no garbage tossed on the highway, nothing. It made me reflect on the eight months we spent traveling through Southeast Asia last year. Don’t get me wrong, I loved the natural beauty up there, but in my mind, Southeast Asia would shine so much brighter if the local Asian communities adopted the same protective mindset as the Kiwis.
Christchurch:
I last visited Christchurch back in 1996, and today the place is completely unrecognizable. Not because of natural urban growth, but because the catastrophic earthquake that hit the region six years ago basically leveled the entire city center. More than half of the stunning old colonial buildings in the Central Business District have since been demolished.
New Zealand sits directly on a major tectonic fault line, meaning earthquakes of varying degrees are a weekly—if not daily—occurrence. During our three nights in town, Barbie and I actually felt our asses shake in bed from an extremely minor tremor. A lot of tourists bypass Christchurch entirely because of the ongoing earthquake damage, but I really admired the sheer resilience of the locals. They are putting immense effort into rebuilding their city from scratch. Just like dealing with a death, the people and the government have accepted the hand they were dealt and elected to move forward. The new modern architecture popping up looks good.
Note for the itinerary: Just three months before we arrived, another major quake rocked Kaikōura, causing massive damage and completely sealing off the main coastal roads. That forced us to pivot and completely reroute our South Island driving path, missing the coast entirely on that leg.
Mount Cook National Park:
The wildest, most pristine, eye-opening arena on the island was Mount Cook National Park in the heart of Mackenzie Country. The park offers an abundance of world-class “tramps”—which is the local Kiwi terminology for a hike.
We set out to tramp around these towering mountains via the famous Hooker Valley Track. (And no, I am sorry to report there was not a single sign of a hooker, tinker, or jack along the path). The Hooker Valley Track has got to be one of the most visually stunning walks. The trail meanders across massive swinging suspension bridges, over roaring glacial rivers, and directly along the edges of towering mountainsides before concluding at the edge of the Hooker Glacier Lake.
Once you reach the lake, the big visual surprise hits you. It is spectacularly beautiful—a true bucket-list experience that every human must do before they kick the bucket. All I could do was stand there and whisper, “Holy shit, goddamn,” to quote the old Kingpin once again.
Lake Tekapo & Lake Pukaki:
On the long drive from Christchurch, we passed massive green fields packed with grazing deer, cattle, sheep, and local salmon farms. Salmon is a massive deal over here. We hit up a local spot that served up the absolute best fresh salmon sashimi. Smoked salmon is also dirt cheap here, so I have been absolutely gorging on it daily. I’d grown accustomed to only eating smoked salmon at boring post-Bar-Mitzvah spreads or when sitting Shiva, so eating it in the shadow of the Southern Alps was a slightly more pleasurable environment.
Our next major road trip destinations were Lake Tekapo and Lake Pukaki, and they blew me away. There cannot be many places left in the world where the streams and lakes are so pristine that you can literally scoop the water up and drink directly from them.
What sets these two lakes completely apart from any bodies of water I’ve seen in my life is the surreal, opaque turquoise blue color of the water. The lakes are fed directly by the grinding glaciers high above, which creates what the science boys call “rock flour.” The glaciers grind the solid rock into a super-fine silt that stays suspended in the water, reflecting the sunlight and making the lakes look like a fake, chemically altered shade of blue. The effect is amplified tenfold on a clear, sunny day. The weather is volatile in this neck of the woods, so if you visit, pray to the sun gods for optimal viewing.
The nights are just as wild as the days. A backpacking hippie told me that Lake Tekapo is officially recognized as the second-best place to stargaze on the planet, and he wasn’t lying. The entire region is a UNESCO-protected Dark Sky Reserve, completely free from any urban light pollution. The stars out here look three-dimensional.
The secret is clearly out, though, as evidenced by the massive swarms of Chinese tour groups snapping away on their iPhones, trying to get the ultimate selfie with the lake backdrop. It instantly reminded me of Sixteen Candles: “Dong, where is grandpa’s car? In a lake. A big lake!” Yes, the tour buses are here at the lakes in full force, though strangely we didn’t spot them anywhere else on the South Island circuit.
Dunedin & The Catlins:
Dunedin is a cool university town, home to the University of Otago. The town has a very vibrant, energetic student lifestyle. We spent a few days here checking out the local architecture, drinking good coffee, and taking care of basic administrative travel shit.
After Dunedin, we pointed the car south into the remote Catlins region, an undisturbed, raw piece of coastal paradise. This is a rugged area at the absolute bottom of the South Island that is rarely visited by main-loop travelers. It is one of New Zealand’s best-kept secrets because there are virtually no people down there. It’s mostly just millions of sheep, penguins, wild sea lions, pods of dolphins, cows, and us lamb-eating flashpackers.
The super-vibrant green scenery is stunning, and the landscape feels totally untouched. Think towering rocky cliffs, harsh rugged surf pounding against isolated wild beaches, and lush rainforest waterfalls just a short walk off the main road.
The wildlife down here is completely unbothered by humans. At Cannibal Bay, we watched massive sea lions casually lumbering ashore to cool out and nap in the afternoon sun. Nugget Point was one of my absolute favorite spots on the entire South Island—standing out at the viewpoint genuinely feels like you are peering over the edge of the earth. If you are lucky enough to catch the Nugget Point Lighthouse overlook on a clear, sunny day, you are looking at one of the most scenic spots on earth. No bullshit.
From there, we cruised over to Porpoise Bay (an awesome, wide jogging beach) and Curio Bay, where the rare yellow-eyed penguins put on a little sunset show coming back to the rocks. It was just one pure nature treat after another, with each spot somehow surpassing the last. There were several points during our drive through the Catlins where I turned to Barbie and thought I could really drop out of society, buy a little ocean-facing shack with a flock of sheep in the backyard, and survive quite happily forever. If you want to completely disconnect in peace and quiet, get your ass to the Catlins. Just make sure you arrive during the peak summer months.
Queenstown: The Adventure Capital of the World
A place doesn’t become touristy for nothing. Queenstown is a certified adrenaline junkie’s haven where young-gun backpackers arrive with their hormones supercharged, ready to party like rock stars at night and throw themselves off cliffs and bridges during the day. It’s a compact, pedestrian-friendly town with a classic alpine ski-village vibe.
Queenstown is the undisputed adventure capital of the world, offering bungee jumping, canyon swinging, skydiving, jet boating, extreme mountain biking, white-water rafting, and every other assorted piece of insanity an adventure junkie could dream up. I deliberately passed on these activities—not because I’m a total wimp, but because in my midlife years, I prefer to get my thrills elsewhere rather than potentially throwing out my lower back bungee jumping off a bridge for a t-shirt.
Instead, Barbie and I chose our own version of a thrill and tackled the Tiki Trail up to Bob’s Peak. It is a bone-crushing, muscle-burning, absolute ass-kicker of a steep trek through the pine trees. You have the option to wimp out and take the easy gondola up with the massive tour groups, but us flashpackers manned up and conquered the incline on foot. (Despite a fair amount of Barbie bitching along the way and her vow never to do this steep hike ever again in her life) . We were rewarded with completely shot leg muscles and a jaw-dropping, 360-degree view of Lake Wakatipu and the snow-capped Remarkables mountain range.
Of course, I have to mention that we did a mandatory triple-header at Fergburger. It is a culinary institution in Queenstown, and we whoofed down a really great burger. The lineup to secure one of these bad boys wraps completely around the block, but it is worth every single minute. Coming from a guy who absolutely despises waiting in line for food, that says everything you need to know.
Fiordland: (Milford Sound / Doubtful Sound / Te Anau)
Te Anau serves as the official gateway to the magical, remote wilderness of Fiordland, home to the world-famous Milford and Doubtful Sounds. Milford Sound is legendary for being one of the rainiest places on the face of the planet. It pulls in about two and a half times the annual rainfall of the Amazon rainforest. In fact, the locals tell you that if it hasn’t rained in a week, a severe drought is declared. Miraculously, the skies completely cleared for us—nothing but blazing sunshine the entire time we visited. Talk about unprecedented flashpacker luck.
Doubtful Sound is the second most famous fiord in the country, and both spots showcase raw nature at its absolute finest. Towering waterfalls dropping thousands of feet directly into dark, deep ocean water.
One of the big-kahuna multi-day hikes in the region is the famous Routeburn Track, a 32km trail through Mount Aspiring National Park that takes three days to complete while sleeping in designated backcountry huts. Three days of carrying a heavy pack and sleeping in a room full of snoring strangers? No can do for us flashpackers. Instead, we did the premium “Cliff Notes” version: we hiked a stunning three-hour section of the track via the Key Summit Trail. Once again, the only accurate way to describe the sweeping alpine views at the top is, “Holy shit, goddamn.”
We also tackled a pristine portion of the Kepler Track that snakes along the edge of Lake Te Anau. The mossy forest along the track was a shade of deep, vibrant emerald green that I haven’t seen since my early college days. The terrain, colors, and vistas out here are simply spectacular. There is something deeply calming, almost spiritual, about the scale of Fiordland.
Wanaka:
Wanaka is another heavy hitter on the scenic radar. The drive over from Queenstown along the high-altitude Crown Range Road was an absolute blast to navigate, offering stunning panoramic views over the Otago countryside.
To be honest, I am starting to get tired of writing about how beautiful every single stop is on this island. I feel like I need to buy a thesaurus because there are simply not enough adjectives in my vocabulary to describe how serene, yet visually stimulating, this country is. I keep trying to dig deep to find some average, ugly-looking places just to balance out the blog, but apparently, “average” doesn’t exist on the South Island.
Wanaka is packed with outdoor life. The big, mandatory day hike here is to the Rob Roy Glacier. The town is also loaded with premium mountain biking tracks, our absolute favorite being the rolling dirt track that wraps around the perimeter of Lake Wanaka. It was another spectacular ride that put a massive smile on our faces. The water is so clean you can pull over anywhere on the trail and dive in for a refreshing swim in one of the purest lakes on earth.
I must mention that Hollywood was officially in the house while we were there. Oprah Winfrey and Reese Witherspoon were in Wanaka filming a Disney movie called A Wrinkle in Time. Barbie spent a good chunk of our stay trying to locate and actively stalk her idol, Oprah… but unfortunately, to no avail. Oprah managed to evade the flashpacker radar.
Haast & Franz Josef:
We booked an overnight stop in the tiny outpost of Haast to break up the long West Coast drive and do some local tramping. The highway from Wanaka to Haast is packed with roadside waterfalls that make you pull over every ten minutes—Fantail Falls, Thunder Creek Falls, and Roaring Billy Falls are all stellar, but my personal favorite was the short walk and icy swim in the crystal-clear Blue Pools.
From there, we pushed north to Franz Josef. The big ticket activity here involves taking a mother-fucking helicopter to the top of a mother-fucking glacier, followed by a three-hour guided hike through towering ice caves and deep blue crevasses.
[The Franz Josef Splurge]
Heli-Flight to Glacier Apex + Spiked Boots + Ice Picks = Premium Flashpacker Experience
Being able to physically touch and navigate an active glacier is something special. There are very few places left on earth where you can climb on ice without any technical mountaineering experience, let alone kick things off by flying up to the ice fall in a chopper. They equip you with heavy-duty spiked crampons and ice picks to navigate the shifting landscape. The excursion was quite pricey, but we pulled the trigger and opted to splurge. I’m a dangerous man with a credit card in my pocket! It was a lifetime experience that you simply cannot pass up.
Greymouth:
Greymouth was strictly a quick overnight pit stop to break up the long coastal drive up toward Nelson and Abel Tasman National Park. The only eventful thing that went down in Greymouth was Flashpacking Barbie suffering her second official bout of “Vomit City” and extreme nausea.
Strangely, both of her digestive meltdowns on this trip occurred immediately after downing local takeout Fish ‘N’ Chips. I ate the exact same fried combo and suffered zero issues. My working theory is that the heavy probiotics in my daily breakfast regimen of yogurt, muesli, and local Kiwi honey effectively lined BFD’s stomach with a bulletproof shield. Barbie insists she is laying off the fried fish for the rest of the trip, but I am betting she folds her cards eventually—the temptation of fresh kiwi snapper and chips is just too great to resist.
Nelson / Motueka / Abel Tasman National Park:
Moving into the sunny northern tip of the South Island, we arrived in the cool, artistic town of Nelson. We cooled out here for a few days to recharge the batteries and then made our way over to the spectacular Abel Tasman National Park. We ended up basing ourselves in the nearby town of Motueka because the sweet beach cove of Kaiteriteri was completely booked solid.
Abel Tasman simply rocks. Entering this park feels like stepping onto a tropical island in a completely different country. It’s easily one of New Zealand’s most famous parks for a reason. If you’re a hardcore tramper, the Abel Tasman Coast Track is a world-renowned 32-mile trail that takes three to four days of serious walking to complete.
The Lazy Flashpacker Method: Skip the multi-day pack haul. Use the local water taxis to drop you directly at the best beach coves, hike a flat, scenic two-hour section, and get picked up later.
Because of the coastal, golden-sand setting, it is completely different from the rugged, moody mountain treks down south. We happily opted for the water taxi route and set up shop on the pristine shores of Anchorage Beach, which is easily one of the nicest beach coves in the country, alongside Torrent Bay and Totaranui.
Golden Bay:
After Abel Tasman, we drove over the massive “Takaka Hill” mountain pass to the absolute northernmost tip of the South Island—an under-the-radar region known as Golden Bay. The winding mountainous drive up is stunning, packed with viewpoints like Hawkes Lookout, the crystal-clear Te Waikoropupu Springs, and the surreal rock formations of the Grove Scenic Reserve.
We rolled into the tiny town of Tākaka for lunch and quickly discovered yet another small town on our round-the-world journey where all the global Deadheads migrated to after Jerry Garcia died (the other two major hubs being Nimbin, Australia, and Pai, Thailand). It’s pure bohemian bliss.
We rented a cool Airbnb over at Tata Beach. Shhhhh—do not tell a single soul about this secluded beach oasis. It is a quiet, stunning little corner well off the standard tourist grid. But being the incredibly generous guy that I am, I felt the need to share it with the true travelers reading this blog.
For the grand finale of our five weeks on the South Island, we hit Wharariki Beach.
[Wharariki Beach Protocol]
Check Tide Charts ──> Arrive 2 Hours Before/After Low Tide ──> 15-Min Dune Hike ──> Wild Fur Seals
You have to time this visit precisely within two hours of low tide. You take a spectacular 15-minute hike through massive, rolling green sheep pastures and wind-swept sand dunes until you emerge onto a wild, cavernous beach. If you time the tide right, you will find wild fur seal pups playing, swimming, and doing flips in the deep tidal pools right beneath giant, green-topped sea stacks. It is an unbelievable, cinematic sight. When you see it with your own eyes, you will understand.
Thru the Binocs: Big Doug’s South Island Verdict
The absolute best way to experience the pure magic of the South Island is to rent a car or a campervan for a minimum of four to five weeks. Simply wander around, stopping and staying when you find an enclave you resonate with, and moving along only when you’ve had your fill. Word of warning, though: this island is incredibly enchanting, and you may find yourself constantly extending your stays.
Remember, romantic retreats in New Zealand aren’t about the artificial fluff of a five-star resort or eating at overpriced celebrity-chef restaurants. The true romance is found entirely in the raw, unpolished beauty of the landscape. Spend your days hiking through ancient forests, laying on completely empty beaches, tracking the abundant marine wildlife, swimming in crystal-clear glacial pools, and sleeping under the clearest dark skies on earth with your ladyfriend. Being completely immersed in this environment reminds you how simple and good life can be.
The time is gone, the song is over, and the South Island leg is officially in the books. It’s time to hop across the strait to the North Island.
The Official Big Doug Loose Stools Index
🚽 Loose Stools Index: 9.0/10 (The Probiotic Shield)
The plumbing is operating at an elite, near-bulletproof level. Despite a heavy road-trip diet of supermarket lamb cuts, high-fat dairy, and the occasional greasy stadium dog, the daily breakfast regimen of local honey, yogurt, and muesli has created an absolute fortress in the lower GI tract. While Barbie was down for the count from the fried fish ‘n’ chips, BFD sailed through the South Island with complete stability. Locked and loaded now for the North Island!
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