Cairns:
Twenty years ago, rolling into Cairns felt like landing smack in the middle of Japan. Today? It’s like arriving in China.
Just like in Southeast Asia, the Chinese tourists move in massive packs with selfie sticks permanently glued to their hands. We set out on a day trip to snorkel and hang out on the tiny beach of Green Island, and sure enough, we were joined by one of these massive tour groups. Barbie and I were completely amazed by the unique style of dress they thought was fashionable for a tropical coral island. These folks arrived fully clothed in long pants, hats, and many were even wearing heavy jackets despite the steamy 95°F climate. The Chinese march to the beat of a completely different drummer, and their mannerisms are totally different than any other culture on earth. I honestly attempt to keep an open mind and try to understand them, but I remain thoroughly perplexed.
Cairns, up in Far North Queensland, is one of Australia’s biggest tourist hubs. It serves as the main jumping-off point to the legendary Great Barrier Reef, the ancient rainforests, and the rugged hinterlands. It is realllllly steamy, tropical hot here, and the local pace of life is slowwww. The town has a young, high-energy vibe because it’s a mandatory stopover on the global backpacker circuit for anyone traveling up and down the East Coast. Consequently, the town has a non-stop party atmosphere. There is plenty of action at the nighttime pub parties and tons of paid daily excursions to the reef to keep you busy every single day.
The Lagoon Solution – Avoiding Deadly Ocean Jellyfish
A massive new addition to Cairns since my previous visit is a colossal man-made lagoon pool constructed right alongside the ocean. These beachside public pools are easily one of my favorite features of the Tropical North Queensland towns—the one here in Cairns is just as impressive as the one we saw down in Brisbane. The lush grassy area surrounding the water is a fantastic place to laze around, play some Grateful Dead tunes on the iPhone, and meet other travelers. The pool is 100% free, and they even throw in free public Wi-Fi so you can surf the net—which is handy, since there are absolutely no waves to surf in Cairns.
[The Cairns Ocean Reality Check]
Main Beach = Unswimmable Mud Flat
Regional Ocean = Home to Box Jellyfish & Saltwater Crocs
The Play = Stick to the Massive, Free Beachside Lagoon
This public pool really comes in handy because the main beach in Cairns is actually just a giant mud flat and completely unswimmable. If you are desperately craving real sand and open ocean, you have to head a bit further up the coast to Trinity Beach, Palm Cove, Ellis Beach, or Port Douglas.
However, you must watch your ass. Just in case you didn’t know, you need to be extremely careful swimming at any of the ocean beaches up north because of the box jellyfish. Those little bastards will seriously put a hurting on you, and they can easily kill a grown man in minutes. Oh, and there are a few rogue saltwater crocodiles plying the surf too. So, given all that biological horror, the massive beachfront pool serves as a damn good alternative.
Aside from the pool, the big-ticket activities are the endless variations of boat trips out to the Great Barrier Reef. Bungee jumping at AJ Hackett is a big adrenaline activity, alongside pretty much every other action-packed excursion a human being could possibly dream up. My personal favorite, though, was a trip out to the Crystal Cascades just outside of town. It’s a pristine series of freshwater waterfalls and hidden swimming holes tucked deep inside a spectacular, vibrant green rainforest. It’s a refreshing way to take in the natural beauty Cairns has on tap without worrying about getting eaten or stung to death.
Daintree Rainforest – Going off the Grid
The 1.5-hour drive north from Cairns hugging the coastal highway up to the Daintree and Cape Tribulation is spectacularly beautiful. A prime stop-off on the way is a swim in the incredibly refreshing, crystal-clear waterhole at Mossman Gorge. Once you cross the river into the massive, ancient Daintree Rainforest, you are completely consumed by raw nature and all the outdoor madness that goes along with it.
[The Daintree Paradox]
* The BAD News: There is absolutely No Internet, No TV, and No Cell Service.
* The GREAT News: There is absolutely No Internet, No TV, and No Cell Service.
It is a total return to basics. When you enter this jungle with no cell coverage, you are instantly:
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Forced to actually listen.
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Forced to make eye contact.
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Forced to converse and socialize.
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Forced to observe your immediate surroundings.
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Forced to slow your mind down.
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Forced to find true peace and serenity.
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Forced to play endless board games with Barbie.
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Forced to break into the secret Nimbin stash.
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Forced to trust a paper map and follow oral directions from locals.
And guess what? I found the whole experience so deeply relaxing and enjoyable that I plan to actively seek out more completely off-the-grid destinations in the future. It gave me a very similar, liberating feeling to our multi-day excursion on Fraser Island.
Australia’s Murderous Wildlife Directory
Australia is an awesome country, but it’s not just in the deep rainforest where you’ll come into contact with some wacky, dangerous wildlife. You must keep your thinking cap on at all times—whether you are on land or in the sea—to avoid what Mother Nature has in store for you down under.
The Cute Ones We Hung With:
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Kangaroos
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Koalas
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Dingos
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Wombats
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Wallabies
The Jungle Bastards That Will Light Your Ass Up:
If you venture into the rainforest, there is a plethora of insects, plants, and bugs waiting to torment you at any given moment:
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Spiders the size of dinner plates.
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Stinging Trees (one brush against the leaf and you’re in agony for months).
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Electric Ants.
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Horned Beetles.
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Scorpions.
The Ocean Terrorists:
If you step into the wrong stretch of ocean water, beware of:
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Box Jellyfish.
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Saltwater Crocs.
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Great White Sharks.
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Blue-Ringed Octopuses (one tiny nip and your lungs shut down).
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Portuguese Man o’ Wars (and no, I am not talking about the racehorse).
On any single day in Tropical Far North Queensland, you are bound to pass at least one graphic warning sign detailing exactly how you can get severely fucked up or killed by something Mother Nature created.
If you are lucky enough to survive all of the above, you might just run into a Cassowary out in the bush—and those birds can absolutely knock your lights out. They are massive, flightless, prehistoric-looking creatures that easily stand taller than a human. God gave them a razor-sharp, five-inch dagger claw on their feet which they use to slice open their prey. They will carve you up real nice for a green card.
The other nasty little bastard lurking around the country is the Tasmanian Devil. With their super-powerful, bone-crushing jaws, those vicious little things can devour your ass in two shakes of a lamb’s tail.
The Kangaroo Burger Meltdown
While staying up in Cape Tribulation, we decided to try our very first kangaroo burger. I absolutely loved mine, but Flashpacking Barbie completely folded her cards halfway through the meal. As she sat there chewing, it suddenly set in with each bite exactly what cute little animal she was actually consuming. I could see it clearly in her watery eyes after her first two bites—she was completely cooked.
Being the ultimate value guy who despises seeing premium food go to waste, I casually reached over and polished off the remainder of her kangaroo burger right after devouring my own.
Double Standards in the Jungle: Funny thing is, Barbie had absolutely no problem destroying kangaroo satay on a stick a few days prior in Cairns. She claimed that the kangaroo burger wouldn’t have been an issue in the right setting—like a nice, posh, air-conditioned restaurant. But eating a Roo at a wooden shack in the middle of the dark jungle, while their living relatives are literally hopping around the clearing, seemed to overwhelm her psychological circuitry a bit.
To top it off, she had been hand-feeding some cute little wallabies just the day before, so her mindset was completely wrong for a kangaroo lunch. I, on the other hand, found the Roo burger quite tasty, and I already have my eyes on either a meaty crocodile burger or an emu penis burger at the next specialty joint we roll across.
Thru the Binocs:
Here in the Far North of Queensland, we have come across a large number of indigenous Australians called Aboriginals. There is a deep, heavy history out here with the indigenous people. The best way I can compare them for folks back home is to our Native American Indians. They were in Australia first, and subsequently got all their shit completely taken away by the white man—and I assume they are rightfully pissed.
Aboriginals have a highly distinct facial structure that I have never seen anywhere else in the world, and the deep color of their skin is also quite unique compared to any other race. You see many of them hanging out in groups on the city streets—mostly huddled in the shade because it is scorching hot out—doing pretty much nothing.
I’ve been told by locals that they are heavily subsidized by the Australian government, yet they appear to be basically ignored or marginalized by the general Australian population. I do not know their exact, detailed history, but I am certain it is incredibly sad. We made it a point to say hello and smile at a few we passed, but I assume if you pulled them aside, they would probably tell you how they are getting thoroughly screwed and how their daily living conditions are nowhere near on par with the superior living conditions of other Aussies. In 1999, the Australian Parliament actually passed an official Motion of Reconciliation, naming the historical mistreatment of Indigenous Aboriginal Australians as the single most “blemished chapter in our national history.”
Our time is officially up in the tropical paradise of Queensland. It is now time to completely shift our mindset and prepare for the bright lights, dense crowds, and big-city life in artsy Melbourne, which has been coined the “most liveable city in the world.”
In an effort to properly blend into this sophisticated urban lifestyle, I may even have to become a bit more fashionable. I might actually have to dig deep and break out one of my “smart” t-shirts that has been sitting freshly pressed at the absolute bottom of my backpack for the last year.
The Official Big Doug Loose Stools Index
🚽 Loose Stools Index: 8.5/10 (The Kangaroo Overload)
The plumbing performed at an incredibly high level despite the intense tropical heat and the humidity trying to bog the system down. Absorbing two full kangaroo burgers in a single sitting while sweating it out in a jungle shack is a heavy load for any man’s lower GI tract, but the local freshwater swimming holes kept the core temperature down and the pipes running smooth. Moving away from the jungle fruits and heading toward the heavy Italian carbs and elite coffee culture of Melbourne—let’s see how the gut handles the city lifestyle.
Big Doug & Barbie Drop Out of Society 