Melbourne (Australia)

Melbourne:

We were warned by some locals we met during our travels in tropical Queensland that the weather in Melbourne is quite volatile. The saying goes, “Melbourne experiences four seasons in one single day,” and I can officially confirm that ain’t no joke.

After departing the steamy 95°F temperatures in the tropical north, we arrived in Melbourne to windy, cold, fall-like 55°F temperatures—despite the fact it was peak summer. Later that afternoon, the sun finally cracked through and it shot up to 75°F. Within hours of just one single day, the temperatures fluctuated by 20 degrees. Bizarre. Two days later, the proper summer heat rolled in at 85°F, only for the city to plunge right back into fall weather three days later. Other than constantly adjusting our layers, we had to quickly adapt to big-city life, having grown incredibly accustomed to the simple, laid-back beach and rainforest lifestyle up north.

Escaping the CBD

Since Barbie and I absolutely detest congested big-city living—being surrounded by towering skyscrapers and massive crowds—we opted to base ourselves well away from the downtown CBD (Central Business District).

We narrowed down our lodging choice to the low-key, spacious neighborhood of Carlton and Fitzroy, sitting just north of the CBD. It’s easily accessible to the busy downtown core via the city’s trams, which run all day. The area is packed to the gills with hipsters, colorful street art, and unique, old-style Victorian row houses.

The other suburb we considered was the bohemian enclave of St. Kilda—home to artists, musicians, hippies, alternative-lifestyle peeps, and a beach that is a big fat zippo. Strangely, unlike the world-renowned urban beaches you get in Sydney (Manly, Bondi, Bronte, Balmoral, Coogee), Melbourne’s beaches are not even in the same ballpark. Locals told me that if you insist on getting some quality beach time, you have to drive way south out of the city. Having just spent a month at some of Australia’s absolute best beaches in Queensland, we happily passed on Melbourne’s inferior sand and focused entirely on the city life.

The Coffee Capital

Melbourne has become globally famous for its elite cafe culture, and it is home to arguably the world’s best coffee. We are talking serious coffee houses with serious baristas and highly knowledgeable coffee drinkers. Locals flock to these spots every day to socialize and unwind; the cafes basically act as neighborhood community hubs.

Unlike in other parts of the world, Starbucks is a complete non-player here in Melbourne and most other parts of Australia. You will rarely, if ever, see a local getting their java fix from a Starbucks. Because the independent cafes are mostly family-owned, Australians seem to take a collective moral stance against the American mega-chain’s corporate invasion. It also doesn’t help Starbucks’ case that most Aussies can see right through their sugar-laden excuse for coffee.

The city streets are absolutely abuzz with quirky cafes and restaurants. Brunswick Street in the Fitzroy area was one of the most vibrant stretches we encountered, filled with eclectic shops, coffee bars, and live music venues. Fitzroy also has tons of cafes serving up the most unique brunches I have ever tasted in my life. If you are a breakfast person, you will be in absolute breaky heaven. Some of the dishes served up at these brunch joints were literal works of art. The biggest challenge of the week was choosing which of the local Top 20 spots to eat at, so be prepared to do your homework.

Both Brunswick and Smith streets were real fun to wander around to check out the street art, chow down, and just soak in the funky local atmosphere. If you want some homey, European vibes, check out Rathdowne Street or the beautiful, tree-lined Lygon Street (aka Little Italy) with all its family-owned Italian eateries.

Melbourne Cafe Laneway

Carlton Gardens

Yarra River – Downtown

Flinders Street Station – Downtown

Flemington Racetrack: A Degenerate’s Paradise

We finally made it to our very first racetrack on this leg of our global journey. We spent a spectacular day at Flemington Racetrack, the legendary home of the infamous Melbourne Cup.

Let me tell you, this is easily one of the nicest tracks I have ever set foot in. That is a massive statement coming from a supreme, lifelong degenerate who has ticked off visits to racetracks spanning the entire globe. I would have to rate Flemington on par with some of my absolute favorite tracks worldwide.

We absolutely loved the lush, grassy trackside park area where you can cool out and watch the horses run. We casually laid out right on the green grass without even needing a blanket. Just try doing that in Saratoga’s dusty, dirt backyard area back home and see how far you get. If you are lucky enough to be in town on the first Tuesday of November for the Melbourne Cup, you are in for a premier horse racing experience—the entire country, not just Melbourne, completely shuts down for the mega event.

Flemington Racetrack Bookies

Flemington Racetrack

The Best of Melbourne

For your own Melbourne itinerary, make sure to add these to the list:

Bike the Yarra: Take a long, leisurely bike ride along the length of the Yarra River.
Weekend in St. Kilda: Go check out the weekend markets and bohemian street life.
Hit the Big Markets: Explore the massive food stalls at Queen Victoria Market, Prahran Market, and South Melbourne Market.
Laneway Crawl: Wander the tiny CBD laneways packed with hidden cafes, specifically Degraves Street and Hardware Lane.
Park It: Cool out in the massive green spaces like Albert Park, Edinburgh Gardens, Carlton Gardens, or the Royal Botanic Gardens.

Our time is officially up in the big city. It’s time to head right back into our true comfort zone. We are locked and loaded to experience more raw Aussie nature in what looks like an absolute outdoor adventure playground: Tasmania.

Thru the Binocs: The Aussie Betting Culture

Australians absolutely love their horse racing, and what’s really cool is they have old-style TABs in every single town and city throughout the country. Getting your daily action down is never an issue. A man needs to have at least one piece of action down every single day; otherwise, you could easily be walking around a lucky man and never even know it.

[The OTB Evolution]
American OTB ──> Smoke-Choked Rooms + Total Cretins + Stuck in 1982
Aussie TAB   ──> Clean, Modern Pub Outlets + Cold Beer + Socializing Locals

These TABs are currently getting a massive makeover. The Aussie racing gods are converting the 1,200+ old-school betting outlets into more modern, high-tech UBET venues to appeal to the internet generation. It’s a damn shame American racetracks and corporate OTBs (if they even exist nowadays) have their heads firmly up their asses and have completely failed to adapt to the 21st century.

So, what exactly is a TAB or a UBET? It is Australia’s version of New York’s OTB (Off-Track Betting), but without the imminent risk of getting lung cancer from an inordinate amount of secondhand smoke. The customers attending these Aussie TABs actually look like normal, functioning members of society, unlike the sketchy cretins you would spot in a typical New York betting parlor.

Sometimes the TABs are standalone locations, but in many cases, they are just small, convenient outlets located right inside local pubs and bars, making the whole thing a great social activity. Local degenerates can walk in for a cold pint of beer, conveniently bet on the ponies at a kiosk, and shoot the shit with each other all afternoon. That’s a system I can fully get behind.